


He Made It Easy, Darlin'

by mageicalwishes



Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [24]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Carry On Countdown 2020 (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown Day 24, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful, Love, M/M, Mild implied sexual content, Sad, Soft Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Understanding, intimacy issues, supportive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:01:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28175088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mageicalwishes/pseuds/mageicalwishes
Summary: Simon & Baz struggle with trying to take the next step in their relationship.Inspired by Easy by Troye SivanCarry On Countdown, Day 24 - Song
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027147
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	He Made It Easy, Darlin'

**Baz**

> _You ran away to find something to say. I went astray to make it okay, and he made it easy, darlin’. I’m still in love, and I say that because I know how it seems between you and me, it hasn’t been easy, darlin’._

I haven’t seen Snow for two weeks, now. Last time we were together, we tried … He wanted to, but then he didn’t. He told me he needs space. So, that’s what I’ve given him. 

We’re still together, I think (I _hope)._ He didn’t _say_ we were over (Although, he didn’t say much at all). 

I asked him if he could try and explain it to me - The panic. The wanting and then not wanting. 

I don’t have a problem with it - Not really. I won’t lie and say that it never gets … frustrating (Because the shameful rate at which I’ve had to change my bedding recently, would suggest otherwise). But, I understand. It’s difficult for him. And I don’t want to push him, if he isn’t ready. 

He didn’t have the words to explain it, so he said that he'd text me. But, I haven’t received anything yet.

Patience is a virtue. And when it comes to Snow, I have it mastered - After 7 solid years of waiting, longing for him hopelessly, that reluctant self-deprivation comes naturally. I’m happy to wait as long as he needs. I’ll give him whatever if it is that he wants - I just need him to tell me, once he figures it out for himself. 

If he wants me gone, then so be it - I’ll cherish our time together, and set him free. If he wants me to stay, I’d be glad to never leave his side.

It’s been challenging for us, as of late. But, despite it all, I want him no less. Even though he may think otherwise, my love from him hasn’t faded (Remaining as reliably persistent as ever). 

I do my best to make sure he knows - To show him in what ways I can. But, I’m not sure that it’s working. 

He was mine, for a while. I had him, wholly. And now … I’m losing him. He’s slipping through my fingers, right in front of my own eyes, and yet I’m powerless to stop it. 

_Are you mine Simon Snow? Do you want me still?_

I can only hope. Maybe we’ll make it through. 

**Simon**

> _I can’t even look at you. Would you look at the space just next to your feet? The wood is warping, the lines distorting. This house is on fire, woo! Burning the tears right off of my face. What the hell did we do? Tell me we’ll make it through._

He looks … Unbearably good beneath me. I’m touching him, and he’s touching me. One arm looped around the back of my neck, and the other tracing soothing lines into the dip of my hip. I’m grabbing onto his waist, perhaps a little too tightly. And pouring everything I have - Everything I cannot put into those three daunting words - into him. Pressing our lips together, firmly, over and over and over again. 

_I’m okay. This is alright. I can handle this, I’m sure._

He’s sighing against me. His reverent touch moving lower and lower. Cool fingers stretching under the waistband of my trackies and waiting - Questioning. _Do I want this? I don’t know. I thought I did. Maybe I don’t. I’m not sure._ _Physically I do. So … that’s a start. Last time I couldn’t even do that._

 _He’s so fucking fit_. Eyes bright and pupils blown wide. Smiling up at me, softly, his hair fanned out against the pillow. He looks straight out of a Hollywood movie - All posh and perfect. He’s a vision, and I’m … _I don’t know what I’m doing._

I’m rubbing a palm over his chest, and he’s groaning, encouragingly, beneath me. Panting lightly into my neck. _(I don’t know if the chest is where you’re supposed to, like, target on guys. I should’ve looked it up. He seems to know what he’s doing. I should too. I’m going to disappoint him. I’ve made him wait so long, and now I’m going to screw it up. Shit. Shit. Shit. Why didn’t I think this through)._

“Simon, love-” He sounds wrecked. I did that to him - And knowing that, fills me with an absurd sense of pride. _If I managed that, maybe I can do more. I want to. Surely I can. He wants me to, I know. He won’t say so, but he does._ The want - I can feel it, pressed against me where I’m sat on my lap. He keeps trying to shift his hips away - Since _that’s_ what set me off last time. But, I don’t want him to. _He shouldn’t have to do that. I should just be able to touch him, like a normal boyfriend can. Like he deserves._

“You can,” He whispers, tugging my hand down to the front of his pyjama trousers. “If you want. I - You can. Or … I can. To you. I would like to.” 

_I can. He wants me to. He’s asking. I can. It would be just like doing it to yourself, surely? But, I’m not sure. I’ve never done this. Why does he think I know how? Why does he keep letting me do stuff like this? I’m going to let him down. I am letting him down. He’s staring up at me, waiting for an answer. He wants. I wanted._

He lets go of my hand, pressing a kiss to the centre of my palm. _He knows I’m not gonna’. I - I want to. I can’t. I just -_

“It’s alright, Simon,” He says, leaning up and kissing the cluster of moles on my shoulder. “What do you want to do? We can stop for a bit. Everything is okay.” 

_And there it is. He’s giving me an out. We’ve barely even started, and he knows I can’t do it anymore. Even he has realised how fucking terrible I am at this. How broken I am._

I scrunch my eyes closed, desperately. Sometimes it’s easier when I don’t look. I can’t know for sure that he’s watching me, then - _Seeing_ me. I can convince myself that everything is fine. _But … it’s not. I know it’s not. I just … wish that it was._

I'm panicking fully now - Just like I knew I would. Body shaking, and breathes gasping. Hot, frustrated tears burning in my eyes, threatening to spill. _He’s still running his hands down my sides. He’s still trying. Not to - Just to comfort me. I don’t know why._

“How can you even expect me to do this?” I snap (I don’t _mean_ to - I mean, none of this is _his_ fault - but it just … happens). _He shouldn’t be made to feel bad about this. I’m making him think this is his fault. But it’s not. It’s mine. It’s always mine._

He leans himself backwards, worry tugging his eyebrows downwards. “I - I don’t expect anything. I thought it was what you wanted. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have - I should’ve let you decide when to try more. I’m sorry, darling. Just … try breath, okay? You’re alright. _We’re_ alright.” 

_Now he’s apologising. Brilliant. Just superb._ I groan into my hands, shuffling myself away from him, and hanging my legs over the foot of the bed. My back to him. Hiding the disaster away. Putting a few valuable inches of mattress between us. 

“I _did_ want to” 

“But you don’t anymore?” 

“No.” 

“Why? Did I … do something wrong? Or-?” 

“No. You know you didn’t. It’s just me, okay? I can’t … do what you want. Just stop. Okay.” 

“Okay,” he sighs. I can feel him getting closer, the bed wobbling beneath him. _I don’t want him closer. He’s going to see that I’m crying. It’s so fucking embarrassing._ “Snow, it’s alright-”

“No it’s _not!_ Can you just - Can you just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk about this.” 

“Simon, I’m not sure - If you could try to explain what it is that’s going on, maybe I could help?” 

“No!” I snap. “Just - stop pushing me okay! I can’t do it. Just _go. Please._ I don’t - I can’t. I want to be alone.” 

Eventually, he leaves me (Once I’ve calmed down a little). And the moment the door closes, I miss him. But, I still don’t have the strength to pull him back - To tell him all of the things that I’m thinking. That I’m feeling. 

I want him. I _love_ him. But, I can’t be what he deserves. And, I don’t know if I ever can. 

Still, I can only hope. Maybe we’ll make it through. 

> _He made it easy. Please, don’t leave me. He made it easy. Please, don’t leave me._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed :) Comments and kudos, appreciated.  
> My Tumblr: [Link text](https://mageicalwishes.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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